While I have been quite gushy lately, there is also the very gloomy cloud that is postpartum hormones. Most days I am fine, but when they hit they suck the life out of the room and I'm left moping on the couch. Thoughts run through my head about how I'm not living up to my own standards. I'm left feeling guilty and inadequate as a mother. Which in turn makes me feel even more guilty and inadequate about feeling guilty and inadequate. My toddler doesn't throw tantrums, my baby doesn't cry incessantly, I'm only getting up twice in the night for feedings...I should be able to not be a weeping, sad, unmotivated mess.

When it occurs for more than a couple days in a row I begin to see it as a black hole that is going to suck me in and I will be stuck like this forever. Of course that's ridiculous, but I did suffer with a postpartum thyroid problem after I had Eva, so for months I was tired and depressed. Those months felt like they would never end and I fear this happening again.

It's hard to see the light at the end. That this is just temporary. That this isn't my fault. That I don't have to be supermom and have it all together.

Even on those days when I feel like I'm the worst wife and mother that ever existed it helps for me to remember that there is grace in even small things. You have no idea how powerful that can be.

Exciting News!....My thyroid problem is becoming a thing of the past! A few weeks ago I was at my absolute worst and couldn't take it anymore so I made an appointment with my doc to change my hormone dosage. They couldn't get me in until this week. I started to tell her how bad it had been, but then started to realize I had been doing okay this past week. She sent me for blood work to see how the ol' hormones were doing....and voila! They are on their way up to being normal. I feel like myself again! I went for coffee today, ran some errands an even....*gasp...went to my first yoga class in 2 months! My doc said that post-partum thyroiditis works like a U shape...the hormones keep dropping, dropping, dropping until they reach an all time low, and then they start working their way back up and then leveling out at normal. A few weeks ago I must have been at the lowest point.

I know this only happens to 5% of women post-partum, but I should use this time as a forum to share how my experience with it was. As I said in an earlier post, I knew something was wrong when I had non-stop nausea. I hadn't even noticed the lack of motivation or energy since I was a new mom to a 4 month old baby...I just figured "this is what all new mom's feel like" I started to feel really bad since ALL I did all day was lay on the couch, watch t.v., read books, and feed my baby. When my doc diagnosed me, I finally had a reason for feeling the way I had. It was good to know my problem wasn't just my own laziness, but bad to know because I felt trapped by my diagnosis. I felt like I wasn't able to do anything more than I was already doing. It's definitely okay to give yourself permission to not overwork yourself, but I think sometimes I may have used it as an excuse to not do anything.

My frame of mind was not the same either. My doc had said to watch out for depression, because most people with a thyroid problem struggled with it. I didn't think it would be a problem for me since I am not normally an emotional person (one of the few lucky ones to not experience PMS every month!), so when I was all of the sudden down, sad and crying for no reason it was really hard to handle. I remember lying in bed crying loud sobbing cries, yet I didn't know what I was crying over. I was also overwhelmed really easily. Because I was so tired, I really let my housework slip, and I knew our kitchen needed a cleaning BAD. One day I had to psych myself up for it all day saying "okay, as soon as I take this nap I will clean the kitchen....as soon as I'm done feeding Eva I will clean the kitchen..." when I finally had mustered up the strength to get off the couch, I walked in the kitchen, saw that EVERY dish in our kitchen was dirty and just started bawling. I was so overwhelmed I turned around and walked out. Steve also needed me to apply for my teaching certificate and fill out the paperwork to become a substitute teacher so I can begin subbing soon. The idea of being in a classroom full of kids, with my mind frame so down, and my energy so low overwhelmed me so much I refused to even drive down to the university to fill out the paperwork. Every time Steve brought up the issue I just began to cry. It is an overwhelming and exhausting health problem to have. It does get better, and now that it is, I'm excited to do all the things I was missing before. I felt like I was wasting my maternity time. But now I have been thinking about cleaning and organizing things, I have been excited to scrapbook again, and I have even been inspired lately to paint (crazy!) Yay for things being back to normal!

Sorry I've been slacking, but I've honestly felt like a big pile o' poo. My thyroid is not yet under control, and am really starting to wonder if I just need to give the meds more time, or go see my doc to change my hormone dosage. I pretty much sleep ALL the time. I'm more tired now than when I wasn't getting any sleep when Eva was first born, and I probably sleep 12-14 hours a day. Ugh, gross. I'm also really emotional. I feel terrible.

Despite all the tiredness, I had a very full day on Sunday. I had Audrey and Liam's baby shower all afternoon, and then we were off to our new International food group, called The Secret-Secret Geography Club. Hehe. We get together once a month, choose a country, and each bring a dish to represent that cultures food. Sunday was our first dinner party, and we had Moroccan.


I'm not a huge fan of fruit in savory dishes, or spices like cinnamon in something that isn't dessert, so my culinary taste buds were definitely expanded. The food was really interesting.


We were also very Moroccan and ate the entire dinner with our hands. Next month we are doing Thai Hot Pot and I can't wait for that!

Since Sunday was soooo busy, I spent the last three days recovering by sleeping A LOT and not doing much of anything. I really can't help it. I have a two hour nap in the afternoon, hoping to wake up and feel refreshed and I just don't. Anyways, because of my tiredness and un-motivatedness, I have been reading a lot of books. It doesn't take a lot of effort and I can do it while I feed Eva. I'm already on my 8th novel of 2008 and January isn't over yet! I know...it's ridiculous. I have read some very good books lately though.

I've been trying to work up some energy to get back to the gym. Exercise is the best natural anti-depressant, so everyday I think "tomorrow's the day!" ....then tomorrow rolls around and I can't seem to get up enough energy to get up off the couch let alone go and work out. Tomorrow there is a yoga class at the Y, and I figure that it's an easy, gentle work out...so I hope that tomorrow really is the day. We'll see.

Alright...I've expended enough energy for one evening.

Oh I'm slacking on here, and it is not for lack of things to say. It is because of lack of energy even to do simple, pointless things like writing down meandering thoughts in a blog. I hope these pills kick in soon...

Ok, where to start. Well, I guess New Years Eve. I had thought I would be all alone with my baby for New Years (sounds like fun don't it?) because Steve had to work until midnight. But it turns out my friends Joel and Lindsey didn't have plans either, so we hung out and made sushi.



It is slightly time consuming and something I have never attempted to make by myself...It is much better to make with friends. We produced some mighty fine sushi I must say!

We made SO much sushi for 3 people...it was a feast. But I loved it.

It was a great New Years. Eva didn't quite make it to midnight though...

New Years day we headed out on a road trip to spend some time with Nathan and Sharon. Oh how I love Sharon. It was such a great visit. We got talking about the previous nights sushi-making and decided it would be fun to do it again! I'm not kidding...ANOTHER sushi feast. This time complete with tempura. We were able to make spicy shrimp tempura maki which is mine and Steve's all-time favorite. Soooo good.

Sharon and I were also sneaky. I had called Greg and Audrey earlier in the day to tell them we would be visiting Sharon and Nathan, so to call us there if Audrey had the baby. No answer. Whenever we call their house and get no answer, we get all giddy and go "maybe they are having the baby!" When Sharon tried to call them later that day and still no answer, we were convinced they must be in labor. Sharon sneakily called the hospital to ask what room Audrey was staying in. The receptionist was like "we don't have her in a room yet, but would you like me transfer you to the floor she is on?", so Sharon of course says yes....A lady answers "Labor and Delivery how may I help you?" We both screamed!!!

So Mr. Liam Gabriel was a New Years baby and he was a whopping 8lbs 15oz. Yay! He's so beautiful, and will make a great playmate in a few months for Miss Eva Jade.

When a New Year is filled with Sushi and a new baby, it must be the start of a good year.

Happy 2008 Everyone!

For the past month or so I have had constant nausea. I know...disgusting. I feel disgusting. The first week, I thought it must be a flu bug or something...by the second week I thought "oh crap...I'm pregnant". Two negative pregnancy tests later, and another week gone by of nausea I didn't know what the heck to think. It feels exactly like morning sickness. I finally saw my doctor last week. She thought I was pregnant too, but another negative pregnancy test, and she decided to send me for some blood work. It has been a month of nausea; everyday, all day....when I wake up to when I go to bed at night. I feel like poo. I saw my doc again today and they discovered my problem. My thyroid is out of whack. This happens to about 5% of women post-pregnancy. The thyroid hormones go all crazy and produce way too much so your body works overtime, and you feel jittery and anxious, and sweat lots and you lose hair. Then the hormones drop down to producing almost nothing and everything slows down. You feel tired and sluggish, slightly depressed, you gain weight because your metabolism isn't working properly....not fun. That's where I'm at right now apparently, which explains the nausea. The stomach isn't really working properly.

So the good news is, if its just a post-partum thing than my body will eventually even itself out and in the meantime, I just have to take some hormone supplements to even stuff out. If its not, then my body will start to produce anti-bodies against my thyroid and basically destroy it. I would need to be on hormone supplements for the rest of my life. But whatevs...it's not life threatening and there's medication for it. I'm glad we finally figured this out though. Nausea is a pretty vague and obscure symptom to find out about thyroiditis, but at least we did. It explains why I have been so exhausted and unmotivated to do anything. Hopefully in a couple weeks the hormone supplements will have kicked in and I will feel good as new and back to normal...and no more friggin' nausea!

Oh and P.S. Because of my metabolism being slow, I gained 5 frickin' pounds over Christmas! I did...I swear. I weighed myself this morning and almost crapped my pants. I have never gained weight that fast in my life...not even when I was pregnant.

Exciting news...I'm not super out of shape anymore! I only say this, because after 3 weeks of fitness classes, I'm not out of breath and I'm now able to keep up with the old folks. Yessssssss. I'm on my way to getting rid of the baby fat. Maybe once the baby fat is gone I can take my yoga pants out of my daily wardrobe...at the moment yoga pants are the most conducive to the baby fat not hanging over the edge of my pants. And it's all thanks to my fitness classes at the Y. I really like that it's me and a bunch of seniors...way less intimidating. Or maybe more so in someways because I'm supposed to be the young agile one. The important thing is that I'm on my way to saying goodbye to baby fat.

I do however love my fat baby. Where did my baby's huge appetite come from? Steve and I are both slender people....well, then again Steve was a pretty fat baby. But I really love my fat baby, and all her rolls and elbow dimples, and back of the knee fat. She really is amazing. But I should be going and giving my fat baby a bath....she has neck cheese trapped underneath her second chin and she's getting stinky.

I was at the Y today for a step class, and I looked around and the class consisted of me and 8 seniors. Man, those old farts can move! The class is 40 minutes of non-stop movement and it is exhausting. More than once I had to stop, take a drink of water and rest a minute. The instructor usually shows 2 ways of doing a move (an easier and a harder way)...by about half-way through the class I'm opting for the easier way every time, but most of the seniors in the class didn't stop for a rest, and took the harder route. Ridiculous! I couldn't keep up to them. I just hope in my old age that I'm that agile.

I decided to get rid of this post-baby body and get back into shape. I joined the YMCA and they have all these drop-in classes that members can go to...so far I have done yoga, step, and an abs class. They have been pretty fun and ridiculously hard! When you go 9 months waddling around and not lifting anything and then 3 months hanging out with a baby, your muscles aren't very strong. Yoga was the easiest, but I surprisingly felt quite sore the next day. Both step and abs I started out strong, and then slowly petered off...by the end I couldn't do ANY more! But I feel good....and I hope soon that I feel great.