Behind the Perky Exterior

While I have been quite gushy lately, there is also the very gloomy cloud that is postpartum hormones. Most days I am fine, but when they hit they suck the life out of the room and I'm left moping on the couch. Thoughts run through my head about how I'm not living up to my own standards. I'm left feeling guilty and inadequate as a mother. Which in turn makes me feel even more guilty and inadequate about feeling guilty and inadequate. My toddler doesn't throw tantrums, my baby doesn't cry incessantly, I'm only getting up twice in the night for feedings...I should be able to not be a weeping, sad, unmotivated mess.

When it occurs for more than a couple days in a row I begin to see it as a black hole that is going to suck me in and I will be stuck like this forever. Of course that's ridiculous, but I did suffer with a postpartum thyroid problem after I had Eva, so for months I was tired and depressed. Those months felt like they would never end and I fear this happening again.

It's hard to see the light at the end. That this is just temporary. That this isn't my fault. That I don't have to be supermom and have it all together.

Even on those days when I feel like I'm the worst wife and mother that ever existed it helps for me to remember that there is grace in even small things. You have no idea how powerful that can be.


melanie y said...

Kindra, I so appreciate your willingness to be honest and vulnerable here. I haven't gone through this exact thing but I do know that I don't have it all together, but you know what, nobody does. Sometimes people want you to think they do or they are just afraid for others to know the truth. For some reason is is comforting for me to know that all women, not just me, struggle as wives and mothers and attaining the perfection that is the standard we set before us. I think it's okay for us to have these goals and to intentionally work on and toward them but I think what we need to realize is that it is okay to fail. I was listening to this sermon yesterday that was profound for me. The speaker said that all of us believers are 'hypocrites in training' and we will be until we reach heaven. We want to live like Jesus did and we strive for it and his Spirit empowers us but we will never actually be just like Christ here on earth - thus we are hypocrites. But even so we are to be followers of Him, imperfect followers but followers none the less. I thought that was such a good way to look at this life. God seriously is not finished with me yet - AMEN! Instead of getting down on myself because I consistently don't measure up to God's standard or my standard or other peoples standard I need to just keep on, keeping on. I love that His mercies are new every morning!

Sorry for the rambling, I just find your blog gets me thinking about stuff. Your ability to be real on here is such a blessing. Your love for you children has really impacted me and given me the desire to love my children more intensely and fully.

Lord God, I pray that you would comfort Kindra right now. I ask that you would make your presence strongly felt by her. Please carry her through this time and give her the wisdom and discernment she needs in the coming days. Surround her with people Lord that can be a blessing and encouragement in her life. Strengthen her with your strength and bring healing to her body and mind. In Jesus name, Amen.

eaitkens said...

Kindra- I read your post and it made me think of something really encouraging I read on this one blog I've been lurking lately. Here's the link if you're into creeping...

melanie y said...

Hey Kindra, I have to apologize for going on and on about someting that had nothing to do with what you are facing. I am so sorry. After I read your blog post about the postpartum thyroid issue that you had before I understand more fully the battle that you are in. I will be praying for you continually that God will bring healing to your body quickly and that this issue will not be one that you have to struggle with for a long time. God understands, I pray that he will meet your needs.

Kindra said...

Mel - You are so awesome. Your 'ramblings' were definitely relevant and I totally appreciate the encouragement and insight. You put a smile on my face as I read your comment. Thanks.

Erin - Thanks for the link...that post was really encouraging.

audrey said...

Oh Kin,
I know it is so hard to think that "this too shall pass". I rememeber so many times thinking that I will never feel normal again. You're not alone, and just let us know if you ever need anything. Alone time, some meals, whatever...we're totally here for you guys and love you guys!

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