Through the Screaming and the Tears

I can honestly say I never experienced true "Toddlerdome" until Bella.  Eva has always been so easy going, easy to calm, easy to divert her attention onto other things.

But Bella has never really been "easy" about anything.  She hit her terrible two's when she was a year old.  Bella tries my patience every single day and I find myself constantly in the midst of crisis with her. 

"Where is baby? I don't want baby!"  "I need water.  NO WATER!"  

My days with her are filled with tears, screaming, tantrums, time outs and spankings.  Every single day.  I specifically made myself this goal to take a picture every day in 2011 to remember the good and the beauty in my life.  To remember these stories and these precious moments with my girls.

 Because I felt like they were few and far between.  Like I spent too much time yelling, spanking, disciplining, listening to screaming, counting to three to notice the good in my day.  Most days became bad days.  Most days my patience was put over the limit and I was constantly asking God to give me more.  I need grace in abundance with this difficult child of mine.

And so we curled up on the couch this morning under a blanket to chat and cuddle together.  The girls played upstairs with their toys, they had a bath and tried out their new fizzy tints bath bombs that turned the water a lovely shade of swamp green. 

They ate fruit loops and bananas for lunch and giggled and laughed at some inside joke only the two of them knew.  We read Brown Bear, Brown Bear and How Do Dinosaurs Say I Love You? and played two rounds of Cariboo Island.  These joyful moments were peppered by tears and screams and each activity ended in a Bella tantrum with more discipline from me.   

These times as a Mom are difficult, but God is teaching me so much through them.  Stretching my patience to levels I didn't know existed.  Standing firm and strong even when I want to break down and give in to make the screaming stop.  Cuddling and loving even when they act so incredibly unloveable.  

God shows us this same grace and patience every day.  Our Father in Heaven gets frustrated with His children because we throw tantrums when we don't get our way.  We kick and scream and yell "no" when He asks us to do things.  We sit in a corner and pout when all He wants us to do is say "I'm sorry.  Forgive me."  And yet He loves us through it all.  Through all our deficiencies and all we lack.  He loves His children even when they push away.

I know this, because after all Isabella does to infuriate me, I still cherish and treasure her with every fibre of her being.

Bella, thank you for showing me how much God loves me.


Julie Hawryluk said...

This sounds like my life and just know you are not alone!! :)

Anonymous said...

Isn't it amazing how much we learn about God when we become parents. I have learned so many lessons in the past 3 years. It's only when we
are willing to stop and see that we learn how much He truly loves us. He loves us so....

Ashley Duiker said...

Oh Kin, you inspire me!

Kindra aka "The Meal Planner" said...

Julie - Thanks! I know that these are the trials every mom must go through, but they can be so dang hard. It's good to stop and see the beauty and learning and growth through it all.

Victoria - so true!

Ashley - haha, thanks :) To be honest, it has taken me a LONG time to get to this place of seeing God's working in me raising a difficult child like Bella. I mean it's easy to say "oh God is stretching me" or "He's showing me I need more patience" but to be smacked upside the face with that realization EVERY SINGLE DAY, after about 6 months it really sinks in and you understand it on a deeper level.

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